Tag: disturbing

Unfair Life – Suicides and more suicides

Why do people commit suicide? The news gives you information like failed in an exam – took their life, failed love story – took their life, unable to pay back a loan – took their life. You begin to wonder – who gave them the permission to take their life? You can ask who am I to judge? I have seen people going through worse things in life and fighting through it. I have seen people in their last breaths struggling to stay alive and praying that some miracle would save them and give them back their life. I have gone through times when I have wanted to do the same and I am still here. And I am seeing people take their own life without thinking about anyone else around them. Why? You have it doesn’t mean you own it!

What point in your life’s miseries does it become okay to commit suicide? Who am I to say you must live with your problems and fight through it just to die some day? Am I talking about people who have real shitty problems they cannot get out of? If I am going to be raped by 20 people, would I rather kill myself or go through that hell? That is a hypothetical scenario (which actually happens in some parts of the world! that is a completely different topic of discussion…) but you see my point. I am just an onlooker you might think, an onlooker who has no idea what the person is actually going through to make them take that decision. Just an onlooker but I am also a human being who is scarred for life seeing another human being die. It might be the way of life but does it make it any less painful? It’s like saying, you KNOW the pan is very hot so it should not hurt you when you hold it. Maybe it is “to each their own”. And maybe I have to make peace with things that this is the way of the world. But I cannot stop thinking is there no way to reduce this? We are human beings who are flying into space right now – do we not have a solution for this?

Humans are compassionate people. Most of us want to help others to the best of our ability. Could the person committing suicide not find one human being to talk to and find a solution to their problem? Not one person? Our world’s population is ever increasing by the day. We have helplines and therapists sitting in offices to listen to people and their problems. Tons of inspirational amazing books that can get you through some really tough times. We have million ways of entertainment that provide distraction. We have million places where you can go and get some peace of mind. I don’t know do they try everything in their power to be happy before making the ultimate decision? How does losing one battle push them to think they have lost the war? Maybe I am the one who is not able to understand and being naive.

My grudge is with people who commit suicide for reasons that are fixable (maybe not immediately but at some point) and scar everyone else around them for the rest of their living lives. Suicide in public places. Watching a person jump out of a building. Watching a person jump in front of a train. Why? Would you want to be the person standing and watching a person fall from a building and stand there helplessly? Would you want to be the person driving a train/bus when another human being jumps in front of it and have to live with it for the rest of your life? Think about it. Do you want to be in that spot? I bet you wouldn’t want it. Then why would you put others through it by doing the exact same damn thing. You want to end the life you have do it in a room where no one can reach you and have the courtesy of calling a hospital before you die so that it makes it easy for the people around you.

Again, who am I to judge! All I can do is vent and get it out of my system and spread a tiny bit of awareness that suicide is not the answer to every problem and there are people in this world who can help. I am not trying to be insensitive here about the people who have taken their life. I just want to call out to those who want to – to try everything in your power to fight it out before you completely give up. Reach out for help, talk to your family and friends, talk to whoever you trust – someone will definitely help. If possible have some courtesy towards other fellow human beings by not committing suicide in public places where children and people weak of heart end up seeing it. It is not a pretty sight.

Life is always unfair isn’t it? If life is unfair to everyone, does it make it fair?

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Mindhunter! (Spoiler Alert)

I am a very positive person. I try to be. Always see the brighter side of things, stay happy life is short. Yada yada yada. But everyone has a dark side or a side that they want to suppress or want to change or improve or avoid and that side does sneak out once in a while and it is natural. I was completely aware of mine and so as one of the fixes I never watched movies or series that were emotionally disturbing or the ones that made me cry. Because I have news and documentaries for dose of reality, I do not want my movies and series shoving it down my throat when I watch them for entertainment and thrill. (Heads up – not bashing Mindhunter but beware of spoilers)

There is that difference between movies and series. A 2 hour movie takes you into a different world for a short span. Doesn’t matter if it is fantasy, reality, fiction or drama. A series grows on you. You live with the character you most connect to. You live with them, grow with them, fall with them and evolve into their world for that period of time. A series lingers in your mind more than you think it would. Personally, I avoid disturbing or very dark reality based stories and also try to avoid detailed reviews before I watch something so that the element of surprise exists when I watch anything. That is how I started watching Mindhunter (thinking it was a cop based reality story and also it had very good reviews). And it is good. Absolutely no complains about the series, the cast, the story line, the direction or anything else. It is the content that bothered me. Most of us want to be a good person, be the person who brings a change to the society, be that person who helps someone in need and always so much more. I have always wanted to be a special agent in my alternate reality, even a superhero sometimes (which superhero discussion alone should be a separate article on its own!). So that is how I connected to the story from the starting. Two FBI agents trying to help people and make a change. I evolved with Holden Ford and Bill Trench. I saw myself in their shoes. I interviewed criminals with them, I played back the interview to see how I could have done it differently, what do I infer from what they said. Maybe it was the narrative’s dominance to portray the world around Ford that made me connect to him more than Trench or maybe it was the something else I don’t know but I unconsciously evolved with Ford.

Trench was different. Different from Ford. He was able to vent the negativity and frustration out of his system to his wife. He understood what the job was doing to him and the creators put it beautifully how he broke down and rose again from that. I understood his side of the story but I continued watching the series and I could never break myself from the things happening and so the heaviness I was seeing kept wearing me down. At the end of few episodes I could feel it in me. I could literally experience the darkness of the crimes and the people committing them grow in Ford and me. It was disturbing. By the end of it, seeing Ford break down I could feel my world falling apart. I could not eat or sleep properly that night. I vented out to my brother and friends (thinking it would help) but no (trying to vent now not even sure if it is helping me). I grew more miserable. It was wrong. It was all wrong.

I did watch news every day, I am connected to the real world and know what is happening around me. I have read about worse things than the crimes shown in Mindhunter but have never been so disturbed. The reason this series disturbed me was the detailing and the actual emotional side of things. Why we do what we do. I have always known us as the most intelligent species. We have done unbelievable things through the period of time. We could be so much more and yet… we let power, greed, lust rule us. Control us. Turn us into monsters. We as humans are collectively destroying our own existence on this planet. Even animals treat their species in a better way. Way better than how we treat each other – so much hostility. All boils down to why we do what we do. I am not going to talk about philosophy of it, the psychology of it or why we do it. There are tons of books that do it. I just want to be that hopeful person again that felt the world could be a better place to live in. If I tried to be a better human being that would spread to the people with me and so on. We are so much more than animals and monsters. All we need is that one second pause to think is it worth it to have so much negativity? Is it worth hurting someone else for our pleasures? Is it really worth it to blame someone else for our doings?

Take everything as a learning, promise yourself to be better, brush it off, broaden your sight, have a new positive perspective and have a fresh start. That is all we need. And we have already made the world a better place to live in.

I can either go on whining or quit being a baby and do something about it.  Would I watch Mindhunter season 2? I might. Would I be so affected by it? I might be. Would I break down because of it? Probably not. Everyone brings out the dark side differently and I surely have found my way of coping with it 🙂 And who said writing doesn’t help 🙂